Review: Vampires Suck

Grade: D

Loner, twitchy teen, Becca Crane, has just moved to the mysterious town of Sporks in the Pacific Northwest. When she gets there she makes a few new friends but soon has two boys fighting for her affection, Edward Sullen and Jacob White. But something seems different about these two. She quickly discovers that Edward is a sparkling vampire and Jacob is a werewolf of sorts. As she deals with a number of dramas, everything comes to a head at her high school prom. Who will she choose to be with, Edward or Jacob?

I’m going to start off by saying that this movie is pretty bad, as spoofs are these days. I watched it the one time and I will never watch it again. However, the reason I watched it is because I liked the concept of making fun of the ghastly Twilight movies and the vampire trend in general. The movie does accomplish what it sets out to do and I was laughing pretty much the whole way through. One scene in particular, involving the “wolf pack” showing up then singing “It’s Raining Men” had me falling out of my chair with laughter. There were many great gags in this movie to enjoy. I will also say that the acting is 100 times better than the acting has ever been in the Twilight movies. The movie’s main star, Jenn Proske, is a better Kristen Stewart/Bella than Kristen Stewart could ever be. Another hilarious gag in the movie is Becca’s nervous twitchiness in her speech and her actions and how she brushes her hair behind her ear every 30 seconds. Also, the movie’s writing is 1000 times better than anything Stephenie Meyer could have ever dreamed of writing. This movie was actually entertaining and the characters had… character.

The movie stars Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Chris Riggi, Diedrich Bader, Kelsey Ford, David DeLuise, Ken Jeong and many many others.

Like I said, this movie is pretty bad, but it is also good for a good amount of laughs at Twilight’s expense. If you are a guy who has ever been dragged to one of the atrocious Twilight movies by your girlfriend, then I say go ahead and drag her to this movie and make her suffer like she made you suffer.